Make Me Sanguine
by errantry
Summary: Short story based around Sam struggling with the loss of his family and searching for a way to become happy once again.


It was late, nearing midnight. Sam was sitting at a desk, signing forms. Thunder rumbled in the sky, flashing harsh light into the dark halls of the hospital. Sam had started working there three years ago. It was a hospital that helped kids struggling with learning disabilities or even depression. It was an old building, seemed like it was coming to the end of it's time, but it was thriving. Few people send their children here, they figure it's outdated. That's one thing that drew Sam to the job. Figured it would give him a chance to change a few lives, even if it was just one. He liked the kids. He wanted to help them before they grew up and turned sad like him.

Sam had a record spinning on an old turntable. Low scratchy voice played behind him as he hummed along, tapping his foot. The elevator doors opened and he heard footsteps approaching the desk.

"New admission," the doctor dropped a file down onto the desk with a thump, as Sam lifted his head. The doctor walked away as quickly as he came, leaving a small girl crying and a dark haired man looking confused.

"So much for bedside manner," the man said as Sam walked around the desk.

"I'm Sam," he extended his hand toward the man.

"Castiel. I'm her uncle."

"Hey, there," Sam said calmly, kneeling down in front of the little girl. "What's the matter, sweetie?" Castiel noticed a slight southern accent when Sam spoke.

"Bad dreams," the girl said quietly, brushing her long dark brown hair away from her face. She had eyes of emerald green and her voice was a soft murmur.

"Nightmares, huh? I have those, too. What's your name?"

"Carey."

"What a pretty name for a pretty girl. Take my hand and I'll show you where you'll be staying." Sam stood up and led them both down the hall, turned a corner, and took them into a wide room. Three beds of the four were occupied, a large window showed the pouring rain and flashes of thunder. Carey sat at the edge of the bed and yawned, kicking off her shoes. She leaned back and Castiel pulled the thin blanket up to her shoulders.

"Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to stay for awhile?"

"I'm sleepy," she said, shaking her head.

"Brave girl. Try to get some rest. You'll meet everyone in the morning. If you need anything, anything at all, I'm right down the hall."

"I'll be back tomorrow with your Mom," Castiel said, kissing the little girl's forehead. As they walked back to the nurses station Castiel studied Sam. "You don't look like a nurse," he said, judging by the neat beard on Sam's face and his broad, strong shoulders. Sam chuckled. "Have you worked here long?"

"Few years, actually."

"It's pretty old." Castiel looked around at the old fixtures and dated wood furniture. "it's like I've gone back in time."

"You get used to it." Sam said sitting back down behind the desk, the record stopped playing and an eerie silence filled the ward. Lightning flashed, casting dark shadows on the wall that sent a shiver of uneasiness down Castiel's spine.

"Eerie, this place is."

"You get used to that, too." Sam smiled, he started flipping files closed and putting them on the shelf as a woman walked down the hall toward them.

"Do I need to sign anything?"

"No, you're fine."

Castiel visited Carey everyday. Sam would sometimes be in the art room helping the kids paint. When Castiel first saw him there he had to smile, the man looked like a giant among hobbits. Castiel started to observe him with each and every visit. Sam had strong arms but handled the children with such care and ease. His expression was always kind, he was friendly and how the kids liked him. They adored him. They, he and Sam, built a sort of friendship. Castiel would stop and talk to him at the nurses station, always afraid to ask him out for a drink. But one night, an opportunity presented itself.

It was still pouring when Cas stepped onto the dark concrete. He turned the collar up on his button up, shoved his hands into his pockets and began to walk. It didn't take long until he heard a car's horn sound from behind him. A pick up truck slowed beside him and the window rolled down.

"Hey! I thought that was you, hop in, I'll give you lift." Castiel stood on the street eyeing Sam through the window. The rain began seeping through his shirt and dampening his hair. It was cold rain mixed with the warm air of summer's last days. Castiel slid on the leather seat, wiping rain water from his face with a bandana Sam had passed him.

"Do you walk here everyday?"

"I take the bus but I'm with Carey for so long that I always miss the last one."

"You should have asked for a ride. I drive through the city to get home."

"I guess I'm not used to people doing me favors….or being nice at all, actually. Lived in the city my whole life, not used to kindness, I guess."

"I think I could fill you up with kindness without even trying." Sam bumped his fist playfully against Castiel's leg. "You've lived in the city your whole life?"

"Born and raised. How about you?"

"I've lived a few miles outside of the city for a couple years now."

"Where were you before? If you don't mind me asking."

"I don't mind at all. Well…I was born in Kansas, lived there until I was about nineteen. Then we, my brother and I, took a road trip. We took off across the country. Then I ended up here." A plane flew across the sky overhead. It was coincidental, Sam thought. Him talking about his past and at the same time hearing a plane's engine. His eyes were heavy with sleeplessness and began to tear as he fought that feeling of nostalgia mixed with pain. He felt Castiel's eyes on him, and Cas had felt the change in the atmosphere between them as Sam pulled up in front of his apartment building.

"Thank you so much for the ride," Castiel turned to open the door but a warm hand fell onto his shoulder, stopping him.

"What are you doing tomorrow evening?"

"Probably nothing."

"You much for the outdoors?"

"Not really, no."

"I'm going to try to change your mind. I'll pick you up here at five. Wear comfortable shoes."

Sam walked slowly, he rubbed his eyes, the floorboards creaking under his boot heels. He closed and latched the wooden door behind him, didn't bother putting the lights on. He slowly pulled off his clothes and fell onto his bed.

He stayed on his back for a while, until his thoughts quieted and silence crept over the house. Then the images flashed against the back of his eyelids. Like a routine, they would come, whenever he tried to sleep. It was always Dean lying on the floor, blood surrounding his head. All color drained from his face. His eyes, Sam remembers his eyes. The green of them, once so lively, were dark. Absent.

Sam opened his eyes quickly. He went downstairs, clicked on a light and sat at his desk. A note sat folded at the edge of the desk. Still, after almost four years, it was there. A constant reminder. Sam unfolded it and began reading his brother's neat handwriting. He could just about recite the words now.

_Sam,_

_ I remember when we were kids, how you used to look at me. Like I was a superhero. Like I was fearless and could defeat anything. But I never told you how scared I was. I remember when Dad called me and told me you were in the hospital that one time. Do you remember that? I sped off campus, my heart was beating out of my chest. I bursted through the door and there you were, sitting up in bed eating a pudding cup. I never let Dad finish telling me you only fell down the stairs and needed stitches. You remember that, don't you?_

_ Remember when we saw that plane come down? Right in front of us? Pieces of the burning metal falling from the sky onto the ground. Screams were coming from all sides of use, but we were quiet. I didn't know what do to, Sammy. All of a sudden my hands were gripping your shirt and we were staring at each other. That fear in your eyes._

_ I had to be strong. For you. I had to be that support. I couldn't break down. All those nights you cried. I wanted to cry right alongside you but I couldn't. Had to tell you that it'll get better. That this will pass and we'll start rebuilding. We did. That year driving across the country was the best. Best year of my life. Even now, I wish I could go back and relive it. Relive seeing your happiness be restored. That trip had fixed you. I thought, I really thought I was fixed, too. When we came back home it was a different story. The dreams I have. They shake me to the core. The pain in my chest. Sometimes, it's like my heart is going to stop._

_ I wish it had been me on that plane._

_ I can't be strong anymore, Sammy. I know this is selfish. I hope you can find the will to forgive me. I've failed you. I'm sorry I'm not stronger. Believe me, Sam, I wish I could fight this._

_ I'm sorry. You have to do something for me, Sam. You have to be stronger. Find something you love and do it. Do it and never stop. Just be happy. Try to be happy. Please. Any happiness I felt in my life was because of you, little brother. I love you so much, Sammy. I'll watch over you._

_ - Dean_

Sam drove Cas to his house, through a winding dirt path in the woods. Castiel was apprehensive about the outdoors but Sam's warm smile put him at ease. Sam grabbed a basket off of his porch then they embarked. Around Sam's house, through the woods, then up a mountain. Castiel's movements became slower and slower but Sam still dragged him to the top. It was worth it when they got there. The sun was setting over the skyline, it was breathtaking.

"It's beautiful," Cas said and looked down. Sam had laid out a blanket and opened the basket full of fruit, bread, and two canisters of lemonade. They shared stories as it grew darker, lights of the city twinkling in the distance. Castiel felt at ease, like all his worries and thoughts were gone. With each inhale of the fresh air and the scent of trees, a need grew within him. A need to stay here, like this. Next to a man he knew so little about, but felt so comfortable with. He wanted so much to know him. He didn't want to move from this spot. It was so strange, these feelings. "I wish I could stay up here." Sam looked over at Castiel whose eye's scanned over the skyline as he spoke. "I always loved the city, still do. My parents, they had my whole life set up for me. Go to a good school, get a good job, nice car, have a few kids. They're so materialistic, and they drilled that into my brain. It's like they think that true happiness comes from having a bigger television than your neighbor does. But this feeling. The fresh air. The quiet. The simplicity. I've never experienced anything like it. It feels familiar yet brand new. Like missing someone you've never met. It's beautiful. Like a different world. I never knew nature could make me feel such things."

"That's how I felt at first, just like that. My brother and I, too, had a pretty clear vision of how our lives would pan out. Go to college and get good jobs, make our parents proud. That's all I ever really wanted to do, make them proud. Make my brother proud. Then all of a sudden my parents were gone and everything changed. We were helpless and all alone in the world, so we started driving. It was then, driving with him, where I found true beauty. A long stretch of road, the tree's, mountains, wildlife. It's all beautiful and all around us. No one notices." Sam didn't notice the tears in his eyes until he looked out towards the city and his vision blurred. He didn't notice that Castiel moved closer, so close that their shoulders touched. What he did notice was the change in the air and in himself. Like something may have shifted. It almost felt as if he knew Cas, like just maybe, this is what he had been unknowingly searching for. To be kind to someone that deserved it. "We should go back."

Sam led them back to his house, following alongside a steady stream. Castiel breathed in the cool summer night air and listened to the water slowly splash against the rocks. "Does it ever get lonely?" he asked Sam.

"Yeah, it does, but I keep busy. Try to keep my mind from thinking, it doesn't always work."

"Can I come in?"

"Of course you can, Cas," Sam opened the wooden door, he ignited the logs in the fireplace. Castiel looked around. The kitchen and living room connected, Sam didn't have a television just stacks of CDs and old records. Books were stacked on the stairs that lead up to a sort of platform, where Sam's bed was pushed against the wall under a wide window. Journals were stacked up next to the couch which faced the fireplace, a long table stood on the far wall, slabs of wood were stacked up on top of it. Sam clicked on his turntable.

"Sam? What happened to them?" Sam sat down on the couch and stared into the fire. He knew who Cas was referring to, he hesitated, trying to find the words.

"I was nineteen. They went away for the summer, left Dean and I alone. We had to pick them up at the the airport. We were excited to see them. We stood at the window. You could see the plane coming down to land in the distance. Then there was a flash." Sam stopped, he absentmindedly wiped his face. "Dean grabbed at my shirt. I wanted to fall, my knees couldn't… it was like we were keeping each other up." Castiel kept quiet, the floorboards creaked under his dirty sneakers . The couch dipped beside Sam and arms encircled his shoulders. He was still. Baffled at how much of himself he had divulged. How a simple hug could feel so strange. Castiel felt the warm sensation of Sam's exhale through his shirt as Sam relaxed against him. They were both silent, the only sound in the cabin was the crackling of the fire. It had been a long time since Sam had felt another body against his own in such an, almost intimate, way. Castiel was warm and smelled like expensive cologne mixed with wood, it was a nice smell. Something Sam could get used to.

"Remember when you told Carey you had nightmares? Is that true?" Sam got up and walked to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and emerged again with two beers.

"Yeah. That's why I like to work the night shift, helps the hours pass." Sam dove right into over sharing mode again. Maybe it was the look in Castiel's eyes, a look that could have said, "you're safe."

"They're about my brother. He…two years after that road trip, he killed himself." Castiel's face changed, it was as though some of the sadness Sam felt shot into his body. "He left a note. I drove the fastest I could to his house but I was too late. I didn't know….I should've known."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, don't say you're sorry." Sam got up and looked out of the window. "I want to show you something. Castiel followed Sam through the woods behind the house. It was surprisingly humid out, given how long ago the sun had set. Sam led him through a small patch of trees until their feet hit a dock and Cas looked up. Before him was a large lake. The moon was big and bright in the sky, it mirrored down onto the still water. Sam began peeling off his clothes slowly.

"You're going to go in there?" Castiel asked noticing the way the moon's light illuminated the muscles of Sam's arms.

"Yeah. Come on, city boy." Sam beamed at him, his accent spreading warmth through Castiel's stomach. He took off his clothes quickly, stripping down to his boxers. He stood awkwardly and let cool droplets of water hit his skin as Sam dove into the lake. When Sam came back to the surface he extended his arm out. His smile was broad as Cas jumped in. There was a calm that washed over them as they floated around the cool water. Cas looked at the moon that hung wide in the sky, Sam watched him. Saw the wonder in his eyes, reminded him of the first time he had gone up on that mountain.

Castiel felt a strong hand on his thigh, pulling him closer under the water. His legs moved, following Sam's motions, and wrapped around Sam's waist. He could see the blue of Castiel's eyes even in the moonlight. Cas cupped Sam's face and they both moved closer. Their lips pressed against one another's lightly, like they were testing each other. Making sure it was right. Sam's heart beat quickly in his chest. He felt alive again.

Castiel had left hours ago, his lack of presence brought a chill through the cabin. Sam was sitting on the couch with a tethered journal in his lap. His writing was shaky, no where near as neat as Dean's. This is something Sam often did, reread old journals to see if his feelings had ever changed. Sometimes it seemed like they had, maybe there was a glimmer of hope he could see through his words but then it would fade with each entry. This particular journal, leather bound and aged, held letters. Letter's to Dean. Sam thought that if he wrote to him, Dean's spirit would linger.

_July 6, 2004_

_ I moved everything up to Bobby's old cabin. He told me him and dad used to go hiking up a mountain behind the house. I'm up there now. You would love it, Dean. You can see almost the whole city. The sky is cloudless, and the bluest blue. It's quiet. Just the kind of place you like. I always thought that the reason you liked it so quiet was because of all the noise around us that day in the airport. Is that true? You used to fall asleep in the passenger seat so quickly when I drove, the only noise was the Impala's engine. I didn't get rid of her. Never will. She's parked right outside the cabin, your tapes are still in the shoebox in the back. _

_August 3, 2004_

_ How could you leave me here? I don't know what to do. Why didn't you tell me you were suffering? I could have helped you._

_ I could have saved you._

_ Now I have nothing. I hate the silence. It's so god damn quiet, Dean. Without your laugh and your singing and the sound of you working on the car. I'm your brother, why I didn't I see it? Why did I let you go? There's nothing left anymore._

_November 17, 2004_

_ Come back._

Sam was fixing a leak in the roof when his cousin dropped by to visit him. He didn't realize anyone had driven up until the music he had been playing turned down.

"Sam?"

"Hi, Jo," Sam climbed down the ladder and hugged her. Sam poured them both tea and they sat at the table. Jo looked around, it had been a while since she had seen Sam, a couple of years. He looked different. Older. Worn. They caught up fast, Sam told her about Castiel. He had a certain light in his eyes when he spoke of him.

"Been about four years now. How are you doing?" she asked.

"Trying not to think about it."

"You are thinking about, aren't you?" When Jo left it got quiet again. He walked out to the Impala, the hinges of the door creaking as it opened. For some reason he always kept gas in it, if he ever decided to drive it and allow all the memories to flood back to him. He started the engine and peeled out. The nostalgia washed over him. The windows were rolled down and he was on a long stretch of deserted highway. He had suppressed the helplessness for so long. It was beginning to fill him up and overtake him with emotion. He dialed Castiel's number and just started talking when he answered. Saying all these things he thought he would never tell another soul. It was just all too much. It all built up to this moment. He was frantic and not making sense. Blaming himself for Dean's death and apologizing and asking why over and over. His hand gripped the wheel tight. He quickly snapped his phone shut. Then he stopped, and he got out. And he cried. The type of crying that hurt your chest and made your entire body shake. Cried like when he had found Dean's body that day.

"Sam?" Castiel knocked on his front door. It was unlocked when he tried to open it. The logs int he fireplace burned the light in the kitchen was on. "Sam?" Castiel called again. A journal was open on the table, next to it was an amulet. Castiel was nervous as he sat down and read the words on the open page.

_September 28, 2008_

_ Four years. It's been four years and I still don't understand why you never told me. It was just us and you never thought to confide in me, your own brother. I didn't expect you to be strong, Dean. I wanted us to be strong, together. You could have leaned on me. They were our parents. We saw it happen. It would have been alright if you cried. I wish you had. I wish you screamed and cursed. Anything but what you did. I would have been there. I tried. I'm still trying. I need someone, but I'm too scared. Everyone I've loved has been ripped from me. The world is just a reminder of what is no longer here. _

It took five calls for Sam to answer his phone. He has still on the side of the road, the Impala running, it's headlights illuminating the road in front of him. Castiel breathed out a sigh of relief when Sam answered.

"Listen, Sam. I'll never fully understand the sorrow you're going through, but I can help. I want to help ease the pain. You've been alone for too long with this in your head. I know you need someone, we all need someone. Let that person be me. Let me be there when everything is falling apart. Let me put you back together. Let me help. Even if you just need someone to call. I'll always be here, Sam, just come home. Please, just come home."

_June 25, 2009_

_ I forgive you._


End file.
